Stop Bullying Yourself: A Lesson on Self-Compassion
My son said to me recently, “Mom, I saw something on YouTube that completely changed the way I think.”
My first reaction was… Uh oh. What in the world is the internet teaching you now?!
He went on to describe a video that began by painting a picture of your best friend being teased and bullied. How would you feel? How would you react? What would you say to both the bully and your friend?
After guiding viewers through that scenario of feeling protective and defensive of their friend, the video shifted gears and asked: “If you wouldn’t allow your friend to be bullied… why do you allow yourself to bully yourself?”
That question got his wheels turning, and it led to a really meaningful conversation between us.
We need to love and respect ourselves first and foremost. It’s just as important to protect our minds from harsh self-criticism as it is to defend a friend from unkindness. Setting goals and finding motivation are essential parts of fulfillment, but we must also notice when ambition turns into self-attack.
Setting high goals challenges us to keep building new steps to reach them. But imagine taking an axe to those very steps. Every word of self-doubt, frustration, or ridicule is like swinging that axe and tearing down what you’ve worked so hard to create.
When we learn to lift ourselves up consistently, that positivity naturally radiates outward into how we treat others.
There’s a theory that bullies lash out because they don’t feel good about themselves. They pull others down to their level.
I saw a clear example of that recently at my 11-year-old son’s soccer game. A parent on the opposing team sat near us, shouting what he must have thought were “motivational” words at his child. Eventually, his son turned around and shouted back, “I’m trying!”. My heart sank.
Later in the game, the father incorrectly directed his son from the sidelines, and the referee disagreed with the move, blowing the play dead. The dad became angry—arguing with the ref and even a child on our team who tried to explain what happened. That’s where things crossed a line. No adult should ever confront a child like that. When other parents called him out, he lost his temper completely and began threatening to fight anyone who disagreed. It was shocking to witness.
The whole scene brought me back to that YouTube video. This dad was a real-life example of what it means to be a bully. I hope, for his own sake and his child’s, that he takes time to reflect and find peace within himself.
Parents: We can’t live through our children. When adults lose control like that, it often stems from unresolved frustrations or regrets about their own experiences. But our children are not our second chance! They are their own people, with their own dreams.
The greatest gift we can give them is peace: peace with ourselves, and a steady, encouraging presence that helps them build their path.